1

Chapter 1

The air smells like dampness. I'm very cold. "What is this place?" My whole body hurts. A woman is crying on the bed. I try to get up and my bones let out a terrible creak as pain runs through every corner of my being. I lie sprawled on the floor, wanting to cry and scream, but my voice won't come out and my eyes have no tears. "Who am I?" I feel the pain piercing every part of my body before fading away completely. When I get up, I look at my small body. I don't have any marks. No scars. But my clothes have red stains; they're too big, dirty, and much too light. I look around. There are some boxes in a corner and a table with stains of dirt and food from long ago. The floor is freezing. When I turn around, I see the woman crying on what looks like a makeshift bed made of blankets. I walk toward her with shaky steps. I stumble several times, as if my body had never walked before. When I reach the bed, the woman looks at me. Her white dress has turned gray, with stains of dirt and red, like mine. Her body is covered in bruises and cuts. She hugs me tightly while crying even louder. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's my fault, I'm so sorry." She repeats it over and over while holding me. It feels warm. I hug her back and slowly, I fall asleep. ... I hear footsteps. My heart races. I open my eyes. The woman is in a corner, trembling. The door bursts open and a man reeking of alcohol walks in. When he sees me on the bed, he comes closer. I can't move. My breathing quickens. Before I understand what's happening, I feel pain in my face. The blows land one after another. I'm scared. I hear something about a basement and losing a bet. It's torture. I feel my whole body swaying from the blows. The woman screams to leave her son alone, but the man shoves her aside with a hit. "He's a toy to vent my bitterness." That's the only thing I hear before losing consciousness from the pain. ... "Who am I?" I don't feel sadness. I don't shed any tears. I don't feel resentment. I feel alone. "What am I?" ... The cycle would repeat. Another day with that monster. Another day of torture. My wounds would disappear when I woke up, but my mother always had new marks. She started teaching me to write when the monster wasn't around. She gives me the biggest piece of that dry thing that tastes bad. After everything, she became my everything, and being with her is my purpose. After the first time, I felt that the blows didn't hurt as much, and slowly they stopped hurting altogether. So that my mother doesn't get hurt, I have to endure longer. Maybe then I'll have a name. ... A cat appeared one day. It's pretty and its fur, though a bit greasy, feels nice. Apparently, it came down through a square opening near some boxes. "What's out there?" "Should I go out?" I climb up slowly. It feels a bit tight, but when I get out... the air felt different. It had a pleasant smell and there were many lights. There are more people out there. I... I go back in, grab the grate, and cover the opening. Being with my everything is my purpose. ... When I come back, my mother is terrified. She trembles as she paces back and forth. When she sees me, she runs over and shouts at me. "Where were you?! Did you go outside?!" She raises her hand and my body trembles and cowers. Seeing that, she stops, starts trembling, and bursts into tears. She hugs me between sobs. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, it's okay." It feels warm when she wraps her arms around me. I hug her back while closing my eyes. Mother's belly has been growing since I woke up that day, even though she eats little and sometimes the monster hits her. Although now she has fewer purple marks. We stay silent for a while. I open my mouth and finally manage to say something. "What's my name?" Hearing me, she starts crying even harder. She can't speak through the sobs. I hug her tighter and stay silent. ... That day the monster didn't come. I fell asleep next to my mother. But part of the night felt cold. In the morning, the door burst open. This time the monster came in with a stick and started hitting me. It hurts a lot. I heard my mother trying to talk to him, but he elbowed her, knocking her to the ground. The pain blurred my vision. The monster left. I heard my mother scream in pain, cry. But he was gone. "What's happening?" I don't know, but... for some reason I feel like I don't like living. ... When I open my eyes and get up without any injuries, I see my mother gasping. She has a person half my size wrapped in cloth in her arms. Her breathing is ragged, difficult. There are red stains on the floor. I walk closer slowly. "Mom?" She looks at me and I see a dark gray spark in her eyes. She smiles at me, but somehow I feel like she wants to cry. "Son, take good care of her. Promise me you'll take care of her. I know I won't be able to be with you anymore, I'm going to die." I blink a couple of times. "Mom doesn't want to be with me?" I feel a pressure in my chest. "No, I do want to be with you, but I also want to rest. When I die, no one will hurt me and I won't hurt anyone. But you must never die just because you want to. Look, she's your sister, she's a pure light. I want her to be happy and not get hurt. I know this is cruel to you, but I want you to take care of her." I look at the newborn baby. She's much smaller than I thought; the cloth wrapped around her makes her look almost twice her size. "If Mom tells me to take care, I promise Mom I'll take care... Mom, where did this one come from? And where is your full belly?... Mom?" She doesn't answer anymore. I move a little closer and grab her hand; it still feels warm, even though her arm is covered in scars. I curl up in her arms, but it feels different. It feels cold. I can no longer feel her breath on my head, nor the pressure of her hands on my back. The little one starts crying. I get up and grab her. She's light. I put her on a chair and go to the food box. I don't know if she can eat that dry, hard thing, but it tastes better than the stuff that tastes bad. I grab the knife that Mom used to cut the hard thing. The monster used it to leave red marks on Mom. I hear the door burst open. The man walks in with a very strong smell of alcohol. Seeing Mom on the floor, he kicks her and spits. I'm trembling in my spot, not moving. He turns toward the little one, who starts crying. The monster approaches and raises his hand. ... Protect. Keep her from getting hurt. Let her be happy. If someone dies, they can't hurt anyone anymore... Right? Suddenly, the world loses its color. My eyes grow cloudy, as if a black and white swirl is spinning inside my pupils, erasing fear and leaving behind only a cold, heavy clarity. It's not me who runs, it's an ancient, sharp instinct. My feet barely touch the freezing floor. I grip the wooden handle of the knife with both hands. I feel the weight of the metal, the vibration of my own heart beating in my fingers. I run with all my strength. Time seems to stop as the monster's arm remains in the air, about to strike the pure light that Mom entrusted to me. I jump. I raise the knife and, with a muffled scream that gets stuck in my throat, I stab him in the back. I feel the metal pierce the dirty clothes, the hardened skin, and sink into something solid that crunches under the impact. The monster lets out an animal howl and falls to the ground with a dry thud. I don't think he can move his legs. He yells words at me that I don't understand and drags himself using only his hands, leaving a dark trail behind him. I stabbed him as high as I could and barely reached his back; the center of the back, I think it was called the spin, Mom said it once. The monster wants to hurt, but now he's the one feeling a lot of pain. I step back slowly while he tries to reach me, but his fingers only scratch the floor. I don't know when he stopped moving. There's a lot of red on the floor. I walk over to the little one. "There's no more food." I say, though I don't think she understands me.

Chapter 2

In a short time, many people came in. When they saw the monster, they were also scared, even though they don't have red or purple marks. Are they like me? I don't think so, they don't even know who the monster is. Well, I don't either. They took me and this one to a strange place, there were many beds floating above the floor and many like me, though everyone was different. They told me they were orphans. They took this one somewhere, they put something in her mouth with some white water, it's a strange bottle. They're not hurting her, so I think it's okay. They gave me a notebook, my mom used it to teach me to write. They said that in the orphanage we would stay until we become independent. I don't know what that means, but they told me to remember that I'm 6 years old, honestly I don't know what's so important about that. The notebook they gave me has "Diary" written on it, it's marked in the middle, where the alphabet is and some words that Mom taught me. There are more words at the beginning. It's very long. I wonder what it's about. ... "Today I finally married Victor, I'm so happy. He's quite good, he has a job where they pay him well, he's kind, he bought a house for us. I'm very happy. ... Lately I've been arguing a lot with Victor, it's just that he treats me like I'm his maid. Aliz, do this, Aliz, clean this... I know he works and pays for everything, but I also want to rest. ... He started gambling, he won and bought me a very pretty white dress, although I have a bad feeling, I don't want him to get into gambling. ... He kept gambling and lost many times, we barely have anything to eat, plus he started drinking when he loses. A notice came from his job saying his performance is dropping. ... He... he hit me, I think he got fired, he's very drunk, I think he needs time. Next week I'm going to my parents' house, I don't talk to them much, but Victor needs time. ... It hurts a lot, when I tried to leave, he hit me and locked me in the basement, he took my phone, now I only have the dress he gave me. My arm is turning purple. I should go out and put ice on it, but he locked the door. ... Why? This isn't what I wanted. He raped me. He beat me a lot. My back hurts. I have a cut on my arm. I... I think I'm going crazy down here. ... He won't stop hitting me. A boy was born. The result of that rape. I hate him. He should have died at birth. ... Victor started hitting the boy. I'm afraid he's going to kill him. Although the boy seems to be resilient. Even though the bruises look very bad on a small child. I... I want to call the police. ... Victor is a beast. He raped me again. Although something strange also happened. I think the boy is a mutant. When Victor left, the boy healed completely. He came up to me. He had never come up to me before. He doesn't deserve any of this. I'm sorry for being a pathetic mother. For bringing you into this cruel world." ... The rest of the pages were blank, although after several pages the letters that Mom used to teach me to write and read began. Almost at the end of the notebook there was another long text. "Conor, that's what I'm going to name my son. I know I'm not the best mother. That I'm only using you to protect myself. But in the end I developed a mother's love for you. I know I didn't teach you the things I should have. And now that I'm close to giving birth, I don't want my child to suffer the same as us. That's why I want you to take care of them. I never gave you a name because I thought I hated you. I don't want the same for this child. If it's a boy he'll be named Lucas, and if it's a girl she'll be named Amity. I want to ask you to forgive me for everything. I don't think I'm going to survive childbirth because of Victor. I don't know what I saw in him to marry him. I guess this is goodbye. Be happy my son, Conor. I love you. ... Am I crying? I understand each word separately, but it's hard when they're all together. But at least I know one thing. I am Conor. And my mother loves me. My heart beats hard. It's different from when the monster was around. I didn't understand almost anything. But I understood enough. I promise you, Mom, I will take care of Amity so that nothing happens to her.

Chapter 3

Amity is different from the others. Her eyes have a special light. When I look at other people I only see gray colors. They say it's very weird that I'm in Amity's room for hours just staring without saying anything and without moving. I don't see what's weird about it. They brought a woman who introduced herself as Claudia, and who is a psychologist. "Hello little one, what's your name?" I look into her eyes. She has a gray color. If I answer everything, can I go back to Amity faster? "My name is Conor." She smiles and gives me a wooden stick just like the one Mom used to write in the notebook. "I'm going to be your friend from now on and I want to know more about you, take this, let's draw something." Draw? I don't know what that is. Is it the same as writing? "What is 'draw'?" The woman goes silent and her smile freezes for a second, though then she tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and says. "Drawing is making lines on paper to create something, look, I just drew a person." The woman started to draw, when she finished there was a circle with a smiling face and an oval body and stick limbs. I look at the stick, then at the paper. I start making lines, seemingly without meaning. An oval circle full of what look like wrinkles, a long-haired person in the middle of the circle. A bunch of dark lines in front of the long-haired person. "Very good Conor, you did well, I'm going to save it, tell me, what can you tell me about yourself?" I blink a couple of times. "My name has been Conor since yesterday." ... She doesn't say anything, neither do I. She clears her throat and then speaks again. "Okay, what were you called before?" "I didn't have a name. Mom gave me a name in her diary before bringing Amity." Somehow I feel like I should say something else, but I'd better just answer what she asks so I can leave quickly. "That's fine, can you tell me something else about yourself? Anything you remember." I stay silent for a moment. This feels weird. I don't feel comfortable with so many questions. But I want to be with Amity, I should answer quickly. "The monster smells bad and Mom feels warm, can I go back to Amity now?" The silence after that felt different. The woman was no longer smiling and her hands were trembling a little. Is she also afraid of the monster?